


lost time

by bonkysalpine



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes Recovering, F/F, M/M, Minor Character Death, Original Character(s), Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:20:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23171581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bonkysalpine/pseuds/bonkysalpine
Summary: “What’s wrong?” Bucky asked, straightening up in his seat.Sam sighed heavily again and went to sit next to him.Steve furrowed his brows and turned off the stove, sitting down too while watching carefully Bucky.“I met Hill. She told me- She told me that-“ he said scratching his head and stopping before finishing.“Sam.” Steve said, his tone stern.“Becca…” Sam said so softly Bucky thought he imagined it.By the look on the others’ faces, he didn’t.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	lost time

**Author's Note:**

> so one day me and my friend were talking about becca grieving and i ended up thinking about this and we actually wrote down the whole family tree of becca's family and if you wanna know about it, lemme know!
> 
> anyway i'm really insecure about this and i hope it's not awful!   
> english is not my first language so lemme know if there are errors i didn't notice!  
> "enjoy"

Sam gave them the news. 

Bucky was sitting in the kitchen with some paperwork to do while Steve was cooking dinner and Sam was out in the city to run some errands.

Steve was humming softly to whatever song was on the radio and Bucky was smiling and shaking his head softly every time the blonde tried to hit a high note just to make him laugh.

When Sam opened the door, he immediately knew something was off. 

Maybe it was the lack of greetings or the way he sighed while leaving the keys in the plate on the coffee table, but still, when Sam entered the room, both Steve and Bucky looked at him with concern, the former turning off the radio.

“What’s wrong?” Bucky asked, straightening up in his seat.

Sam sighed heavily again and went to sit next to him.

Steve furrowed his brows and turned off the stove, sitting down too while watching carefully Bucky.

“I met Hill. She told me- She told me that-“ he said scratching his head and stopping before finishing.

“Sam.” Steve said, his tone stern.

“Becca…” Sam said so softly Bucky thought he imagined it.

By the look on the others’ faces, he didn’t.

Steve brought a hand on his mouth while his eyes watered, and Bucky just looked straight ahead.

He knew this day would come, but he didn’t really realize it. 

He slid out of his seat and his legs gave out, making him fall on his knees.

Both Sam and Steve were at his side while he was fighting for his breath and his hands were shaking.

He didn’t feel anything, just totally emptiness.

He felt like he had a hole where his heart should’ve been, and he didn’t know what to do.

Something probably came out of his mouth because Steve took him in his arms and held him tight against his chest, while a hand caressed his hair and silent sobs filled his ears. 

He was crying. He didn’t notice before Steve’s shirt started to get wet. 

His head felt empty, his soul felt empty, his body felt empty.

He gave up and gripped Steve’s shirt, crying for what it felt like hours.

He dreamed about her that night, about the last time he saw her.

It was nine years before, right before he started hiding from everyone, just when he started remembering. 

He went to the graveyard, to see his empty grave and before he could get closer, he saw her.

She was carrying some fresh flowers with her.

He saw how she kneeled in front of his gravestone and, with a white handkerchief, started cleaning it.

“Hey Bucky.” she said softly, while rubbing at his name.

“You’ll never guess what happened today.” she added with a chuckle.

Bucky looked at her from afar, listening intently.

“Becca got her admission letter from NYU and she was so happy she almost fell from the stairs.” the woman said fondly while replacing old flowers with the new ones she just brought.

“She said she will be the best lawyer New York as ever seen and that she will buy me a house with the money she’ll make.” she stopped a second to shake her head. “She sounds just like you.” was added with a shaking breath.

Bucky’s breath caught in his throat.

“She’s always so caring and smart and she wants us to see how happy she is, even when she’s not.”

Becca was fixing the disposition of the peonies now.

“She always asks me about you, you know. Steve’s so done by now because he already heard all these stories when he was a kid and he wanted me to tell him his uncle’s adventures.” she said laughing.

Bucky’s eyes watered a little while a short chuckle escaped his lips. 

“Every time Becca comes to my house for tea, she wants to talk about you. She wants to know all the pranks we used to do to each other, all the times you brought me to Coney Island, all the times you yelled at me and all the times you hugged me. Every single story I know about you, she knows too. And Steve as well.” she adds with a watery laugh.

“When-When she was a kid, she always wanted to hear about you and Stevie. All the troubles you got yourself into, all the games we played together and all the times you babysat me.” 

Bucky took a deep breath.

“When she came out, two years ago, she said that she found the courage to do it hearing me talk about you and Stevie. She looks up to you so much, Bucky, so much…” she said before a sob stopped her. 

Bucky tried to reach out but stopped before he could make a step.

“I miss you.” she whispered caressing the letters of his name.

“Growing up without you was so hard. Having to get by on my own, without you shielding me from the world, scaring guys who tried to hit on me, holding me when mom and dad yelled at each other.” she paused for a second “I missed you by my side at my wedding. I missed you when Steve and Jamie were born. I missed you when Mark died. I missed you when Becca and David were born. I missed you all my life and there isn’t a day I don’t miss you like crazy.” she said full on crying, while clutching at her chest.

Bucky cried silently.

He thought for a second to just go there and to let her know he was alive and well, but he decided against it.

He felt so guilty. He caused her too much pain, too much loneliness, he couldn’t just go and get into her life like nothing happened.

He wiped his face hastily and, with a final look to her sister, still crying over his empty grave, he disappeared in the streets. 

The church was not that big, it could probably fit around fifty people. 

It was almost full, though. 

Bucky and Steve were sitting in the back, hunching on their shoulders, almost trying to hide, while they heard people going up and talk about Becca Barnes. 

A man in a black suit, with grey hair and blue eyes, red because of the tears, got up first.

“Rebecca Barnes was an amazing mother.” he said, voice shaking.

“She always knew how to make me feel loved and cared of, even when she was yelling at me.” he let out a watery chuckle. “She didn’t have the easiest life, always trying to get by, working since she was a teenager to help her family after she found herself alone with her parents.” 

Bucky’s throat tightened and Steve squeezed the hand he was holding.

“She was the strongest woman I know, and nothing will change that. She was able to bring me up after my dad died and she never, never, showed how hard it was for her and never made it bother me. She was my guardian angel and she will ever be. I’ll love you forever.” he said with a sob during the last sentence and he got off the altar.

Bucky squeezed his eyes, letting out some tears, while Steve circled his shoulders with his arm and kissed his head.

When he opened his eyes again, he lost his breath.

A woman, probably his age, was standing on the altar.

She looked just like Becca and Bucky thought he saw a ghost.

She had Becca’s big blue eyes, her full lips and her wavy dark hair.

She smiled a little, her eyes watering.

“I’m lucky to be named after my grandmother.” she started.

“Rebecca Barnes was and will always be my role model, in every way. She helped me become the woman I am today, she inspired me every single day, always caring about everybody and not taking shit from nobody. She was the first person I came out to, and probably the most supportive of all.” her smile grew a little while a tear rolled down her cheek. “We spent everyday together, drinking tea, bitching about every single thing we could think of or talking about uncle Bucky.” 

Bucky bit his lower lip, trying to contain a sob.

“She was the first person I went to if something went bad, she was the reason I love old jazz music.” she let out a chuckle while several tears came out of her eyes. “She taught me how to knit and never made me feel bad about I was at it.” she sniffed a little and she dried her tears with a napkin she kept in her hands. 

“She was my best girl and she will always be. I love you.” she said with a little smile before going back to her seat and wrap her arms around a beautiful woman with long black hair.

Bucky got up and got out of the church, the sudden need of breathing too hard to ignore.

Steve followed him right after and found him pressing against the wall, sobbing.

“She didn’t deserve it. She didn’t deserve to be left alone. I left her alone Steve.” he said through sobs.

“No, Bucky, you didn’t. You joined the army to help her and your parents. You’ve always been so caring and thoughtful about her, you did everything you could.” the blonde said, stepping closer and caressing Bucky’s hair.

Bucky moved until his head was on Steve’s chest and Steve’s arms were around him.

“I left her alone. She missed me and I wasn’t there.” he whispered, clutching at Steve’s shirt.

Steve just held him tighter.

“I miss her so much.” 

After the function, Bucky got closer to the coffin.

There was Becca, pale and relaxed.

Her hair was white, her face wrinkled and her lips almost blue.

Bucky hesitantly put his hand on her joined ones and felt tears roll down his face.

He noticed a pin on her dress, old and rusty, but he recognized it: it was from their first trip to Coney Island. He bought her that pin to decorate her backpack and make all her friends jealous she had the coolest brother ever.

Bucky smiled letting out a watery chuckle and bit his lips.

“I’m sorry Bug. I love you.” he whispered before letting go of her hand and turning away from the coffin, leaving Steve his time to say goodbye.

“I didn’t know you were coming.” a female voice said behind him.

Bucky turned around and found himself facing the girl who spoke on the altar, his niece.

“I wouldn’t miss it.” he answered in a whisper.

“She didn’t know you were alive. But we did.” she said sternly.

Bucky looked at his feet.

“Why didn’t you visit her?” she said, hurt in her voice.

“I couldn’t.” he whispered.

He felt Steve at his side, his hand on Bucky’s lower back.

“Let’s get somewhere else.” the blonde said, to Bucky and Becca.

She nodded, her face hard, took the other girl’s hand and motioned them to follow her.

They found themselves in a room that looked a lot like an office, with a large desk, a big chair behind it and a library full of books and documents. 

Becca leaned over the desk, crossed arms and the other woman at her side. 

Bucky fell on one of the chairs in front of the desk, Steve in the other. 

Silence was filling the room.

Becca was watching him with wary eyes and Bucky’s eyes were trained on the floor.

“You look just like her.” he said, with a whisper.

“I know.” she said, voice hard.

“Rebecca, I’m-“ he started.

“No. Now you listen.” she interrupted him, pointing a finger and straightening up.

“I grew up hearing all the great things you did for her and for others, the way you protected her, the way you loved her. The way you loved him.” she said, pointing to Steve, without stopping looking at Bucky. “I was so fascinated by you, so inspired. You meant so much to me, so much to her and you didn’t even care enough to visit her. And now she’s gone!” she said, raising her voice at the end.

A sob escaped her lips. “She was so devoted to you. She hurt so much because of you and you didn’t care.” she added, voice just above a whisper.

“We found out you were alive, but we didn’t say anything. We couldn’t. We didn’t want to get her hopes up and we always thought that eventually you would’ve come around. But you never did. And that’s when you lost us, when you lost me.” she spat out.

Bucky looked at her, tears rolling down his cheeks, while anger was written all over her face and white knuckles, her eyes red from the tears she was still crying.

“I looked up to you so much, James. I respected you so much. Now it’s all gone.” she said wiping her face hastily and turning her back to him.

“I couldn’t-“ he said, voice rasping.

Becca turned back towards him.

“I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t put her through it again. I’m a soldier Becca. Every mission could be the last one for me.” he said, looking at her, with hurt written on his face. “How selfish of me would’ve it been? I loved her, I missed her every single day and I still miss her, but I couldn’t go back. I just couldn’t. I wanted to, so bad you can’t even imagine, but I couldn’t. And it hurt like hell, to know she was still grieving like it was the first day and couldn’t do anything about it. I never stopped, not even for a second, thinking about her and what I made her go through. I’m sorry.” he said, breathing heavily and crying, his voice lower with every sentence.

Bucky sat down again, having stood up during his speech, and ran his hands through his hair while Steve put a hand on his back, reassuringly.

He heard Becca sniffing, but didn’t dare looking her way.

“It won’t be easy.” she said.

Bucky looked at her, red eyes meeting red eyes.

“I will try to forgive you, but it won’t be easy. Not after all the time I spent hating you and what you’ve done to her.” she continued, kneeling in front of him and taking his hands in hers while tears were spilling from her eyes.

“I’m sorry for what you had to go through, I’m sorry you didn’t have time, I’m sorry your family was taken away from you. But I need time.” 

“I understand. And the fact that you are willing to try it’s already enough for me. Thank you.” he said, resting his forehead on their joined hands and closing his eyes.

“You’re family, Uncle Bucky. I learned a lot from you growing up and that made me the woman I am today I can’t let you go now that I’ve found you.” she whispered resting her cheek on his head.

Bucky cried more, whispering “Thank you”.

“You don’t have to thank me. Please wait for me, I’m not there yet but I will be, I promise.” she said again, leaving a kiss in his hair.

Bucky nodded and raised his head, straightening himself up and drying his tears.

Becca did the same, with a little smile on her face.

Bucky smiled back, truly happy.

“Anyway” Becca said, standing up “This is Alex, my fiancée.” she continued, smiling at the other woman in the room.

Alex was gorgeous, tall, with dark skin and long black hair, eyes clear like the ocean and lips deep red.

She smiled a little and extended her hand to Bucky.

“Nice to finally meet you.” she said, in a deep voice.

“My pleasure.” he answered, smiling with his teeth and getting up from his seat.

Steve got introduced and they all decided to go for a coffee, to make up for lost time.

While drinking his coffee and listening to Becca talking about her grandmother, Alex’s arms wrapped around her and Steve’s arms wrapped around him, Bucky felt happy, like he hasn’t been for a long time.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed it and maybe cried a little? 
> 
> anyway thanks so much for reading and keeping up with my dumb ass!


End file.
